you do not know me. i am positive about this because i don’t know myself and my family does not understand me. people have labeled me as the most “self-aware” person they have ever met. if that is true, then no one has ever been fully in touch with themselves. i have spent the majority of my days trying to understand myself in relation to my surroundings. i try to be fully aware of my capabilities and reach a little bit further so that if i stretch a little bit, even if i get a little anxious, the further i push myself, maybe i can grow my capabilities. the capabilities i am trying to push, are not the capablilities those who live with me would like me to stretch. i am prioritizing my capabilities based on my interests and talents. personally i don’t think that the importance of showering every day outweighs the importance of my ability to write a song or a poem.
artwork and beauty is very important to me.
i feel that on this very day, halloween 2015, i am thinking about how i am alone. i am not celebrating it. i wish i was happy. so far i have complained to my phone’s camera about some horrible things that happened today, i have watched the nightmare before christmas, i started donnie darko and was interrupted, i watched the 5th episode of undatable, and i visited Facebook for about 5 minutes.
i am in the depths of despair.
i will not get over the pain that has befallen me, and is my obsession.
i cannot stop thinking about it. some people have made suggestions.
they were not helpful.
here are some examples of them over the past several years.
someone like him can’t be with someone like you because you aren’t famous. maybe you should go out and meet a normal guy. i’m sure a whole bunch of regular people would like you too. TOO? that is very annoying. first, that does infer that he does in fact, like me. and it states that i could get any guy to fall in love with me and i would in fact BE HAPPY WITH ANYONE. that is so lame. it’s not true and it’s not realistic.
what is also wrong with that statement is that he could be better than me because he is famous.
just distract yourself and eventually I’m sure you will forget about it.
maybe you should be an actor. maybe you should be a singer. maybe you should be a director. YOU COULD TOTALLY BE FAMOUS TOO! um, i don’t need to be famous…
he’s actually gay so i don’t think someone like him would ever like someone like you.
there are so many arguments about this and it would just make me talk and talk forever so i’m not even going to touch this. i will make a joke about this later.
DO you even know him? how do you even know you would even like him?
i don’t have to explain myself to anyone. not even him.
What if he doesn’t like you?
well, if he doesn’t. then he will never read this.
it’s like every single person i have talked to about this has to make every single possible argument in order to convince me that i’m on the wrong path.
what if you just like him because he’s unavailable?
what if i did? i mean, that’s not why, but what if i did?
what if you just like him because you think he can solve all of your problems?
well, if he could, he would have solved them already. and since he hasn’t, i would have given up on that reason a long time ago.
i think you are just really annoying and i don’t want to talk about this anymore.
it’s like, if he was another person, people would be happy to talk to me about my guy problems, but because they knew who he was, they assumed i wasn’t capable of receiving my happiness from him, and the longer i go without receiving my happiness from him, the more unlikely it becomes that i actually will receive my happiness from him.
so i watched a tv show. and it showed me a similarity of what may be happening to me and him.
the tv show said that one person was acting too romantic and the other person felt stifled.
well, that could have happened.
i might have done that.
if i did.
i will work on that.
BUT EVERYONE should communicate better or no one will know how their actions are affecting other people.
personally i don’t think i would be obsessed if someone was in my personal life.
it’s possible that i might still be.
it’s possible that a person may be my ONLY direct source of happiness.
that could be extremely draining and stifling for someone.
i can see that.
i wouldn’t want to be that role in someone’s life either i don’t think.
i would get pretty sick and tired of someone very fast.
i know that i’m not perfect.
i just have so many fantasies about how many different roads that life could take
it could go in many different directions if i became involved
it could end miserably
it could be very nice
it could be really stressful and make me angry
i don’t know what it would be like because i don’t have enough information
i have so little information that i don’t know if you have even considered the idea before
i have just been jumping to so many conclusions based on the little information i have.
it’s like everytime i heard your voice in an interview i LISTENED
i LISTENED intently so that I COULD REMEMBER exactly what you said
so that i knew as much as possible about you
i looked at your facial expressions
i payed attention to your fashion choices
and i just trying to know as much as i could find out
and i have come to the conclusion that you really are like jack in the nightmare before christmas.
and i really am like sally
i just don’t know if like we are ever going to end up in the same type of situation that will lead us to the same type of destiny that they had in that movie.
i have imagined so many different scenarios of what might happen, and i have considered the fact that NOTHING might happen.
but what i do know is that if nothing happens FOREVER, i will be so sad. devastated.
i need to be something to you in REAL LIFE.
not on the internet.
i can’t live in this tower, and i can’t live in the middle of nowhere.
i will be so much more sad.
it isn’t your fault.
it wasn’t jack’s fault that sally was in that tower.
but he still knew that she was the only one that understood after he realized that she did.
so i have told you that i understand.
and i’ve told you that i care.
i have told you that i’m not perfect
and i have changed tenses in this post.
like SO many times.
and what happened.
is that your show, that actually was possibly my show that i received absolutely no credit for,
was given back to the original owners and is now gay.
a stupid person: when you say gay do you mean homosexual or happy?
me: i mean homosexual
a stupid person: really? you mean homosexual?
a stupid person: how could a noun be homosexual. I don’t understand how a product could have feelings for the same sex, if that product itself, doesn’t even have a sex….
me: you are really retarded.
a stupid person: my iq is actually like 69. HA! and I am a homosexual. beat that!
me: make like a tree, and leave.
a stupid person: i don’t actually know what that means, but there is something you should really know about me that i don’t tell that many people because i’m really embarrassed about it.
me: you don’t say….
a stupid person: I, have aspergers syndrome.
me: i kind of… picked up on that.
a stupid person: what did you pick up?
me: my wit.
a stupid person: how do you pick that up?
me: by being surrounded by people like you.
a stupid person: there are OTHER people like me?
a stupid person: do you think they would like me?
me: it depends on how drunk they are.
a stupid person: that sounds fun! let’s go to a party RIGHT NOW!
me: let’s not.
a stupid person: why not?
me: i’d rather not, it’s so bright… outside right now.
a stupid person: so what?
me: i think it needs to night time to party.
a stupid person: WHY????
me: because that is when the magic happens.
a stupid person: magic…. is real?
me: only if you truly believe.
a stupid person: I, I, I believe! I believe in faeries!
me: good for you.
a stupid person: now maybe i will get all the money i was supposed to get from the tooth fairy!
me: i hope so.
a stupid person: ok, well i’m going to go to the library to do some research. this is very important discovery.
me: yup. have fun with that.
sometimes when i look into the world i am looking through glasses, and they are dirty. they have smudges all over them. they need be cleaned. but i can’t get them clean. like myself. i am living life through a car with a dirty windshield and i’m out of windshield washer fluid. all i can do is see i messed up image is what i was supposed to see. people listen to records. i don’t. but some people do. and it’s a recording filled with problems. there’s sound issues and cracks in the record. it’s and old time sound. it’s dirty. it’s not clear. that’s who i am. i’m a a reflection of a person. i started out in life as this innocent baby who started to learn. i learned language. and i had some problems initially. i think everyone does. yet you are still innocent. you’re parents are supposed to love you. and you want them too. at least that is the way it is supposed to work. you try very hard to be a perfect child. at some point in your childhood you realize there is no point because being perfect is impossible and you will never reach your version of perfection and your parents’ version of perfection is even more difficult to reach so trying is futile and worthless. i became less and less of who i was as time passed. less and less perfect. darker and more dangerous. compared to my “friends” peers, classmates. i was smart and talented and full of potential. but all i saw was a flower. a flower that was dying. i kept watering the flower. but this flower was not a perennial. not that i know of. i’m almost positive that it was an annual. it was losing petals. there were people who realized i was losing petals and they tried to water and nurture me. ultimately they decided i was my own responsibility and that i was too much work for them to take on.
i need to lose all of the petals. i’m tired of dying slowly.
it’s painful and powerful and tiring.
there was a point in my existence when i was a pure flower. i was white. but then i was painted or genetically modified. and i changed color. i became a different flower. and i can’t ever go back to being a white flower. maybe i will when i’m an old lady. if i make it to being an old lady. but right now i’m so lonely that i don’t want to be an old lady by myself. that would be sad.
everyone has two halves. and at some point, my other half was taken away and i became halfLESS.
so that when i do find my half i can become something whole and complete.
and maybe my flower will grow in a field of other flowers all growing in the same direction.
and instead of dying i will be healthy and soaking up the sun and my cells will be exchanging like proteins.