i woke up and had a fantasy this morning. it was actually around 2 pm.
that’s basically the time i wake up.i had some pumpkin spice coffee. my mother stole my coffee. i had to make another cup.
that wasn’t what made me angry. it just annoyed me.
what made me very angry was that a couple of days ago i got a year old box of cookie mix out of the pantry to spend time with my nephew who i don’t understand how to communicate with so i do crafts with him.
i spent a very long time rolling cookies with him.
what ended up happening was my mother put the cookies in the oven because i’m afraid of it now because i got burned by the oven.
i have been avoiding the cookies for a couple of days even though i could smell how amazing they were because i had to decorate them with my nephew.
she ate 2 cookies with out my permission and without informing me until today.
in front of my nephew.
i proceeded to say SHIT and FUCK YOU very loudly. i screamed it at her while he was in her arms and i marched up stairs and shut my door.
i then was shouting at my phone camera what happened when my dad immediately came into my room to ask me about the events.
what actually he didn’t realize was – the events were not his business because i’m an adult who has a personal relationship with my mother that does not involve him whether he is married to her or not.
he also didn’t care if i needed alone time after i was very upset about my plans.
he then proceeded to tell me she did not eat the cookies.
i told him she admitted to me that she ate two cookies.
he said that was what happened, yes.
and I said, that means she ate the cookies.
in american english if you eat more than one cookie, you eat the cookies.
so he continued telling me that she hadn’t eaten the cookies.
i said yes she had eaten the cookies.
we had a yes no argument for several minutes with me shouting at him to please leave my personal space and that i was going through something and i needed space and it was my room.
he likes to tell me that this is his house so that technically this is his room but what he actually forgets is that i pay rent to live at his house so i am paying rent to live there and i am paying an electricity and water payment, trash payment every month and food payment. i may get this money from a tiny portion of his tax money but the point is that the government that his taxes goes to determined that i was entitled to these monies and i would receive a larger portion of money if i payed rent. so here we are in an ironic situation where oddly enough i own half my car and i pay rent to live in my room and don’t have a job and i’m permanently ill and he can’t accept that situation and he would like to claim that i’m permantly lazy. sometimes i feel lucky that i’m in this situation.
most of the time that is not the case.
most of the time i would like to be fully capable of working so that i could leave this place and use my intelligent mind to have gotten a college degree and be working at a cool job and be living in a trendy house in a nice suburban type city with cool neighboors who have dinner parties and i could have cool electronics and i don’t like relying on people to give me stuff and basically i would like to be able to make my own choices instead of having everyone make them for me because i get really annoyed at the choices the other people make.
so i think if he really thought about my situation, and thought that through, i don’t think he would insult me as much as he does on a regular basis.
it makes me feel really shitty the majority of the time.
it also makes me feel like i have to regularly insult him.
there are occasions when he is on my side and he seems like he understands what is going on and he’s the only person in the world that does and i love it when that happens. i feel so loved.
i miss that.
my mother is so MEAN.
she lets people walk all over her all the time.
she doesn’t appreciate good things that happen, for example on occasion when i’m in a good mood, without fail, she ruins it every time.
she pretends to be nice to people.
she doesn’t pretend to be nice to me.
she always babysits my nephew for my sister because my sister is incapable of handling a relationship planning a wedding a movie and being a mother all at the same time and has very poor life planning skills and generally makes poor choices.
i HATE my sister’s fiance
i want his daughter to leave my life and never return.
i don’t like that my nephew is being negatively influenced by him and his daughter.
my nephew is the closest thing i will most likely ever have to a child so i tend to be a bit overprotective.
every time i get angry someone suggests i need to go to the mental hospital.
i’m in a state of recovery.
i’m not perfect.
i will occasionally get angry.
i’m a very talkative person as you may have guessed.
the people in my life get very annoyed of me.
they don’t value my input or deep thoughts about any subject whatsoever and don’t know how to hold a conversation with me because they aren’t interested in talking to me ever about anything.
i end up being so tired of being quiet that i start complaining about something random and start talking about 2 hours and then they get mad and tell me to shut up in a very aggressive way when i was not being aggressive. sometimes i start out being excited about something that isn’t most likely at the top of their priority list. for example. i think it might be cool to go to the phantom of the opera. so i end up talking a long time about the experiences i have had related to the phantom of the opera and then i start talking about the trip to ny when i saw wicked and how important it is to go to see plays and musicals and then they are just like WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY? YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA AND IT IS SOLD OUT SO WE ARE NOT GETTING TICKETS. BE QUIET!
and i become extremely hateful towards them and resentment just starts bleeding out and i want to run away but i can’t because have no where to turn to and what they are doing is not considered abuse and so i can’t like explain this to anyone but it is traumatic and when i try to explain it to them that they need to think about what they are doing and the long term effects they tell me that i need to be grateful for everything they have given me and that i have no right to talk to them that way.
i think maybe they have no right to talk to me that way.
i have been mentally abused by my birthmother.
she doesn’t consider it abuse.
one summer i wasn’t in college i went to visit her for a month.
i was living with her in an rv.
her daughter that she kept was there too.
she expected me to kind of change my entire lifestyle to be what she needed but she didn’t change anything for me except like the first week.
she was going to welding school at the time.
one day i was on the bed she told me to sleep on watching tv. it was actually a dvd. i had actually paid to rent the dvd from the video store. it was her tv though but i was a guest in her rv.
she came home from welding school and i was in the middle of the show.
she told me to stop watching the show and get up and take the dvd out of the tv and put it into a laptop and watch it in the other bedroom because she needed to sleep on the couchbed when she could have slept in the bedroom.
i said no, go sleep in the bedroom or wait because i only have 15 minutes left on this show i have seen this episode before. and she was immediately mad and she unplugged the television. and i was like what the HELL? YOU ARE A PSYCHO!
and she was like you don’t EVER call me a psycho.
and i was like, well you are BEING PSYCHO right now, you are acting like a PSYCHO.
and she was like, get out. get out of my house. i don’t know you.
and i was like what the fuck?
she was like i’m serious.
i was like fine but i’m going to get my stuff at least.
she was like no, i’m packing your stuff.
and i was like, NO it’s my property and then she hit me. and so i like got very upset and went out side and she slammed the door and was screaming cuss words at me.
this was not the first confrontation i have had with her.
she doesn’t take medication.
she is not in therapy.
my sister doesn’t take medication except for vivance.
she is not in therapy.
my sister’s fiance is abusive.
my sister is a pathological liar.
my birthmother is a sociopath.
my dad is a diabetic and he has issues with his blood sugar and if he hasn’t eaten or something that can make him very angry.
my mom has a serious anxiety problem.
i am not the only person in my family with a problem,
i am the only person in my family who is being treated for a serious problem that affects their entire life.
my sister is getting married to a douchebag in december
in november is thanksgiving and my mema’s birthday
the day after my sister’s wedding is my nephew’s birthday
after that is christmas
then the new year happens
before that happens my sister and her parasite will move into a house that my parents have technically paid for.
then my half birthday happens on jan 31. hopefully by then we have celebrated my birthday,
while all this is happening we will be moving all sorts of large objects to our ranch house
to prepare to put our house on the market
we will need to replace carpets
we will need to get a new refrigerator
all sorts of work is currently being done on the house
my sister and my dad have two monstrosities of animals that should have never been put in the same yard and they are tearing apart our backyard.
my currently sweet dog ellie is becoming a wretch because of these disgusting creatures and she is picking up new behaviors that she previously never had.
i recently lost my cat max to old age and stress.
i am alone in the world and no one understands what is going on with me.
i am having a difficult time adjusting to things.