NaMoPloBo #6

What was your biggest fear as a child? Do you still have it today? If it went away, when did your feelings changes?

My biggest fear is the same as it is now.

I fear being alone.

I have imagined this happening in many ways, I have devised many plans to stop this from happening.

The first time I realized this could happen was when I was 11. I was rejected by a boy and I had no friends.

I was alone in the world and all I had was my parents.

Nothing has changed.

I devised a plan in middle school.

Project: Become popular – it backfired and I just stopped trying because it was worthless and pointless and I was being someebody who didn’t exist and it took so much effort and I was being hurt so much more when I was trying. I enjoyed the feeling of acceptance I occasionally got when I wasn’t expecting it.

That was temporary, and nice.

and i believe it was genuine. which is what i really wanted.

Project: Get a boyfriend happened in middle school too, It happened again in college at a different sort of level.

Every time it happened it was stupid and retarded.

I don’t need to look. He doesn’t need to look. We will just, run into each other on accident.

I personally wouldn’t reject everyone who came running for me. If they were really in love with me and I had feelings for them. If it was right. They would be fighting for love. That’s not the same as looking.

So then  I decded i was going to move across the country to meet either the man of my dreams or the job of my dreams.

i would have cool co workers or me and my man would have amazing friends that we could have dinner parties with. well none of that happened though i did have an amazing journey when i lived in a different place all by myself.

so then i confronted these feelings head on, and i realized what they were and i still don’t have an answer and i just think that me and my cats will be very alone together.

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