What is your ideal “ME” time?

I definitely change it up. Normally I am very cozy and I have a beverage of some kind. Sometimes I have something to eat or a snack. I enjoy a lot of television, computer stuff, video games, sometimes I enjoy working on a project, it could be a craft, something I will be getting paid for, sometimes I like to do online surveys, sometimes I enjoy doing just this, writing on a blog. sometimes I enjoy talking to a therapist, sometimes I like grocery shopping with a plan to bake something, It would help a lot if I had actual friends to bake with, sometimes I take craft classes at Micheals but I notice that they remove some of your natural instinctive creativity so while classes in things are always fun, and even sometimes, necessary, it’s good to have a teacher who makes you do things yourself and believes in your free spirit, and craft instructors in micheals want a project you can show off on pinterest not something you are like, wow, my inner child was set free and it created this monstrosity with absolutely as little help as possible.

when i was taught piano as a young child, there were VERY strict rules about how i was supposed to sit, how my fingers were supposed to be arched, the way my neck was supposed to look from the keys back to the music and when I made a mistake there were times that I needed to stop and redo the mistake over and over until it was corrected in muscle memory and there were other times when I needed to force myself to continue. these were strict rules that I had to adhere to at all times. it was as much like a military training as i could possibly take.

so much of this became engrained in me that i have an inner critic that needs to do everything right when i play piano.

it’s the same thing with my therapy.

i have been in therapy since i was 12. now i’m 25.

i’ve had a number of therapists but only 1 was truly helpful to me.

it’s very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and actually do what they tell you to do when they aren’t there to tell you to do it. my therapy was mostly about convincing myself to trust what people told me.

like if someone said, “hey, i’m busy later so we can’t hang out like we planned, sorry”

i would most likely believe that they weren’t actually busy and they weren’t sorry and they planned the whole thing in advance.

this may seem ridiculous to some, but i am a very overwhelming person and tend to be extremely controlling and bossy.

it’s very difficult for me to find true friends.

so my therpist not only would like me to stop being controlling and bossy and let go of those behaviors, but the therapist would like me to just trust what the person said, something came up and they were unavailable and i had no evidence otherwise and obviously if they didn’t give me details about what they were doing it was none of my business to question it.

i did try to do that, i became slightly successful.

whenever i started to assume that someone had it in for me i started to remind myself that no one cared about me enough to devise an elaborate plan to get out of spending a couple of hours with me and the easiest thing to do would have been to just say no in the beginning or never asked me to hang out.

but then sometimes occasionally something odd would happen. i would be on Facebook during the time that i was going to hang out with the person, and they would post a photo of them having a fantastic time with another friend.

i would immediately message them to accuse them of blowing me off.

again, another assumption and an accusation designed to ruin the friendship.

they would deny it and say the photo had been taken on a different occasion and they were just posting it now.

i thought that was unlikely. in order to continue to prove my case i asked what they were currently doing and why they had so much time to post it now, why were they on Facebook? why were they looking at old photos? were they so extremely bored with their alternate set of plans that they were on their phone scouring times that they had more fun and posting photos that had never been previously posted and had been saved for at least weeks on their phone?

i developed an argument more delicately worded along these lines and they became very defensive and began to accuse me of something outrageous

i didn’t have to argue with them about something that was clearly a diversion tactic. i needed to steer them back to the main issue.

WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY DOING RIGHT NOW?

and they just were silent forever

so i had to delete them.

they lied straight to my face in order to avoid my company and then it seemed they also lied to someone else as well  but it was possible that they didn’t lie to someone else and they were actually with the person they were with in the photo and now they were currently posting photos they were currently posting and everything was current.

there is something else that could have happened.

their previously planned activity that they forgot they had previously planned before they made a plan with me, was reminded of to them so they cancelled their plans with me in order to keep their promise to their original plan and they were posting photos of that occasion which was currently happening.

since they didn’t explain that scenario when i was accusing them of a million things i doubt that was the case. also when they texted me, “hey i’m busy later so we can’t hang out like we planned, sorry” not only did it lack emotional depth, it didn’t explain the scenario that they previously made plans they forgot about which in fact was easier to lie about than “I’M BUSY LATER” and posting every tiny detail over social media.

so because of situations like these i need a lot of me time.

i enjoy gardening, (when i  have a garden)

i enjoy spending time riding horses and raising farm animals, i enjoy vacationing without my sister’s presence

i enjoy daydreaming and sleeping (and dreaming)

i enjoy reading books

i enjoy reading comics

i enjoy stickers

i enjoy watching instructional videos

i enjoy watching QVC (i have never bought anything from QVC but for some reason the fact that they are so calm and sweet and selling me something in  such a convincing way is really relaxing to me)

i enjoy spending time with my nephew

i enjoy twitter and twitter parties

i enjoy online shopping

i enjoy going to the movie theatre

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