some people

they wonder why i’m still interested in him.

a waste of time.

unfathomable.

unreachable.

out of my league.

so annoying.

you are depressed, and you are depressing me.

the reason why i stay interested isn’t actually because i have such a wonderful relationship with him. i have no relationship with him. in fact, we are not friends, lovers, acquaintances, and if he saw me on the street i have no idea what he would say if anything.

the fact is, he inspires me to be something more. a lot of what he does i disagree with. i totally 100% would discourage him from doing it. maybe that’s why i have such an urge to reach out to him and prove him that i am right.

i am 100% right in what i’m doing. i’m crazy, outrageous, i’m a bitch, i’m unacceptable, i’m someone the majority of people disagree with, i’m unlikable, i’m full of bullhonky, i’m not that attractive or charismatic, and i’m completely and utterly full of direspect. i’m a disgrace. i’m too honest for my own good, i’m “cray cray”, i’m full of misleading assumptions, and i’m a sad sack of potatoes. i’m wrong even when i’m right about something, and it pains people to take my side in an argument, no one wants to be around me 100% of the time, and a lot of people think i’m totally weird. i don’t know how to act in a room full of socialites, and i don’t change my clothes every day, i don’t shower every day or even every week, i act like a total freak of nature, and that’s actually what i am. but despite all of this i’m bewildered by this strange feeling of attraction to someone who is my complete opposite in a lot of ways. he’s mysterious and he contradicts himself, and a lot of times he acts very unsure of what he is trying to say, he comes across as someone who is completely in control of his every move, everything he does and says is completely planned out months in advance. if i spent even more than 5 minutes alone with him i’m sure there would be some sort of major argument involving the way we conduct ourselves in society if we were completely honest with each other.

but there is just something about him i can’t deny and can’t let go of.

believe me i have tried.

sure he has tons of people in love with him and he’s completely unavailable.

maybe he hates me, maybe he doesn’t even care at all, he’s just so tired of my bullshit.

maybe he would like me to stop existing so he could be rid of this constant monologue i’m delivering in his honor that isn’t even true to what he stands for.

i don’t have a clue.

the truth is, he gives me strength even when he’s not around to look inside myself and ask myself the REAL questions that most people never ask.

what are you really afraid of?

why did you do that when you were 5?

do you honestly want to kill yourself?

what were you thinking when those bully’s made a spectacle of you over and over?

why didn’t you fight back?

are you still fighting now?

what is your life’s mission?

is your goal to prove to everyone that you aren’t a loser? do you care if you really are a loser? do you think you are a loser? if you think that, are you prepared to change things about yourself so you aren’t a loser, or do you want to love yourself as a loser?

if you are a loser, what makes you a loser?

he makes me think about this stuff more than ever before. i hone out a homing signal to his brain hoping that it reaches the inner cells and that he can feel me calling him telepathically.

oh you, the person who changed me more than anyone, did i change you too?

oh you, the person who i met because i was on a random blog, did you enjoy meeting me too?

oh you, the person who i bothered because i taunted you because i was seriously disturbed, did you understand why?

oh you, the person who i care about for no reason i can understand or explain, can you accept my unconditional gratitude and send some of it back and can you accept my apology and i will give you the reason why.

i’m so sorry to you, the person for whom i started this blog, because i said things out of turn, the things i said had a purpose, and i hope that we both learned a lesson in communication, i know i did. but the truth is, i’m really sorry for the way things went down and if i could repeat everything from the beginning knowing everything i know now, i would change things. i regret the things i did and said, and i should have been more sensitive. you go through a lot all the time, i’m sure about that, but what i don’t know, is if you were even the person who wrote that message.

here’s what i would speak to you now if you did: (knowing that twitter is a bit too small to communicate such a personal thing and also quite a public arena) rw committed a crime, and it is very tragic. i am also very sorry for his loss. but bringing such personal matters of things we can’t explain or personally know about to the attention of the world is not our responsibility and makes us no better than paparazzi and basically let’s you take a tragedy and make money off of a horrible private event. if you truly cared about rw, you would not say anything publicly, but send a private message to the people you knew who suffered the most from his loss. thank you for reading this message and understanding that i mean no harm in sending it. i do not wish to hurt your personal fame.

if you did not write the message here is what i would tell you personally: if you have an account of any kind, and you allow other people to write such things on your account, you are at risk of being misspoken. people will claim that you said something that you will have to lie about for the rest of your life unless you publicly claim that you were not the one writing the message and you disagree with the views of your personal account. i recommend personally that you write as few things as possible on the internet if you don’t have time to manage accounts because of your busy schedule (which i understand at this point and did not when i met you, well i sort of get it, what i do understand is your need for privacy) tell everyone that negative views are not welcome in your life, and you will be limiting the time you spend posting and reading comments due to this problem. as a creative person, you need to protect that part of yourself and negative trolls can impact your creative side.

i at times have had to put up an extremely POSTIVE  front in order to support you. I wasn’t lying about anything i said, but i was hiding negative comments from coming out in order to support you during a time in which other people around me were being negative. i thought you deserved someone who at the time was completely positive.

after this time you didn’t completely support me, i left.

i created this blog and wrote this post.

end of story.

if you are reading this you can now come and read about how you have inspired me to be creative because even though you haven’t always been positive or someone i agreed with, inspire me to be the best i can be so if there is even a possible chance that someday I can publish a REAL novel, and be a person who is in “the industry” you will choose to have me in your company, at which point i will be very depressed because it took all of that to spend a couple of “real” minutes with you and those weren’t even real. the only real time i spent with you was before i accomplished something.

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