how many times….

how many times are we going to kill ourselves?

kill ourselves for the perfect place,

donnie lets gretchen die,

tom lets jay die

everyone dies in savages

we all die and survive in the jungle book

why do we have to keep dying?

what is the point?

just tell me the point and i just might have the answer?

peter and sylar

jack and rose

v and whatever her name was

harold and maude

satine and christian

christine and the phantom and raoul

christa?  what is her story?

murder, suicide, and just oblivion. is that it?

i believe there is so much more we just have to make contact.

i think it’s really shitty you thought i was a nobody until someone you thought was cool was interested.

but if your question is DO YOU DESERVE ME?

my answer is i don’t know, why don’t you give us the opportunity to find out.

 

it’s always better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

-said someone very wise one time

 

tell our story

from my persepective

different names

different time

everything about it would be different

perhaps i would be a boyman with two girlfriends i’m pining after and i’m famous and the two girls aren’t

perhaps what is preventing the relationship is totally different.

 

but everything else is the same. my paranoia

maybe i’m actually paranoid instead of it being real.

 

maybe that’s the problem

maybe two girls don’t find a famous boyman being paranoid attractive

 

unlike the fact that i would find a paranoid famous boyman attractive

see we are all nerds here so the difference in character has got to be exactly switched around correctly like it was done in the jungle book.

perhaps my vision is that the two girls i’m in love with i want them to be with me and they can’t because they are corrupt and my friends don’t allow me to be with corrupt people

 

perhaps the girls actually want to poison me

or i think they do

 

i don’t know

i’m freaking out

maybe you are freaking out

maybe you think i want to poison you.

 

see the truth is if we were to ever get coffee or coke i would allow you to bring your body guards choose an undisclosed location of your choice that i had no idea of beforehand and drive me to a different state if necessary and basically watch my every move because i have no idea how to poison anyone.

in fact it was my previous friend who i’m not longer associated with who told me you might be thinking i was trying to poison you and i was like, WHAAAA?

i didn’t even realize that was an issue.

i forgot about the whole anthrax mail thing.

like i’m giving you this piece of paper and you are like afraid for your life or something.

whatever.

 

they gave me the piece of paper.

i could have died if it had anthrax.

anyways i welcome you to poison my drink if you think i’m trying to poison you

but please don’t because then we will never be happy together

and this entire journey that i was on would have been a waste for everyone especially the possible body guards that i don’t even know if you have i just assume bc i saw some big dudes at some theatre.

so.

plus you are him so i’d assume you’d need like a driver and a body guard.

anyways i honestly just love eating and i wanted to share a coke with you bc i love the poem and i really don’t think hummus is a normal food source but if it’s honestly your favorite “food” i would love to eat that with you. i do also like hummus.

i’d really though prefer to eat moroccan food because they have this nutty mixture i kept ordering that you mix with olive oil and you probably really could poison me that way

 

so.

 

also i only take rx drugs even though i’ve written about drugs so much

i write about drugs because i have druggy experiences while not being on drugs so i can be trippy while not being trippy which is really unhealthy if you think about it bc i have no clue what is actually happening to my brain so.

yeh

i HATE pot

i really do

it’s like um

glue to my brain cells

and i don’t mean like sniffing glue i have never sniffed glue

i mean like it glues my brain cells together and everything is slow and trippy and i can’t think and i get a headache it is shitty.

 

i don’t want to experiment i just want my klonopin a reg dose

and if i get really freaked out by you i’m going to need a xanax

i’m aware that you aren’t really supposed to combine them but my doctor does it anyways so take it up with him.

 

i have issues with anxiety medications.

 

anyways i was just thinking

coffee, coca cola, and like you know morrocan food not a date i can’t handle a date

i dont’ even like

we haven’t even hung out

i think we should hang out somewhere with your body guards present so there’s no weird shit

 

and just pick up some food and drinks and just sit and eat and watch films and television and talk and possibly sit on the same futon or couch or something

 

that has been my intention since like 4 years ago

 

that to me doesn’t seem like that out of the question to me

 

like as friends like not asking any favors

like going dutch

like seriously listen to music very softly on some really high quality speakers and smoking hookah possibly next time

 

and going to sleep before 10 pm

 

no alcohol

like none

like absolutely no partying please don’t ask me to dance

 

please don’t watch me dance

 

we should not have sex

we should not even hold hands that’s too much information physically

 

mentally

 

we should eat and talk and when it is too much i or you leave and we think about it seperately somewhere else

 

goodnight.

 

 

 

i’d rather be alone

than be with one of you.

i’ve met so many people throughout my travels.

i’ve wandered through the many waysides and side roads that i could ride my mustang through and i understand the pain.

i felt the pain of others watching me through painted glass.

i looked at them and i could see them even though they were blurry still lifes

i knew what they looked like every day because they weren’t living.

every day the people did the same thing and they had the same conversations

and they wore the same colors and the sinned the same sins

they shamed their mothers.

i was one of those puppets for a long time.

a circus gypsy. i wore a mask and no one recognized me as a passerby in the bookshops i visited when i was trying to read the adventurous tales of those who didn’t do the same things and listen to the tales of those who accidentally did something different.

i was sick i wanted to vomit because of these people if that’s what you could even call them.

stick figures put together with elmer’s glue and popsicle sticks.

targets for spit straws at the diner.

ORDER UP, eggs and bacon sunny side up, and do you promise to do right by my girl, till death do you part? YES SIR.

of course, until it gets boring.

this is why i’m alone.

i’d rather be alone than be with one of them.

 

 

what the trees think

two seeds were planted during a spring crop

they were planted right next to each other and they were the same kind.

the gardener tended to them every day, and at first, for a long time, for many years,

the seeds, grew….

they both grew up into maple trees, stand tall, one next to the other.

they would talk to each other during the rainstorms and breezes would pass by sending the pollination to each tree and at the very top of the tree the would look up into the clouds and send thoughts to each other.

do you think we will be cut one tree said one day?

i hope not the other one said, but if we are, i hope that our roots intertwine and when we are cut the deadness rot left behind becomes something else and the ants and the worms and the birds and  all of the other animals use our roots and we will stay part of this earth forever. we will always be staying right here next to each other right in this spot.

i hope so too, the first tree said.

shadow totem

When the risks involved with authenticity are greater than the potential payoffs of the authenticity, we are usually not authentic. – teal swan 

my spirit animal is a panda bear

my shadow totem is either a spider or an octopus. all i know is it has 8 legs or members and it’s really smart. and people don’t really want to go up to it normally. an octopus has tentacles that stick to things and spiders have hairs that can climb up walls, so my shadow totem could really be either one. i don’t have the best balance and i have this curiosity that octopuses have, and it’s possible that i have eyes in the back of my head like a spider. i enjoy feasting on squid and octopii. and an octopus is one of my favorite animals. spiderman is also really cool.

even if my love does not love me i will continue to love on and on until the day i die.

essentially i am already commited.

i am not afraid of love and i am not afraid of being loved, i think what i’m afraid of is showing this love to the entire planet and having it potentially interupted.

 

but even if it was. i will still stay in love.

even if he cheats, even if he leaves me.

 

the only thing he could do, is cause me pain. physical and mental torments and agony worse than i have ever felt.

 

and i don’t think he knows the scale on which i am referring.

 

my birthmother was a marine and my birthfather was a millionare and a criminal on the run.

i come from blood able to handle extreme sorts of torture especially when in love.

a woman knows.

 

 

 

journeys

the journey you are on is slow and steady

make your mark so that when the time come you will be ready

you hear the bb gun pop 3 2 1 go, start your engines baby let’s roll

everybody shifts into second, but here you are dwindling, time is taking it’s toll

you don’t want to regret any decisions you made, shhhh let’s not make any

just throw a parade, we’ll have one every holiday you’ll see celebrating anything everything , found a penny!

good luck baby you say to me, don’t give her a kiss, make her bleed

cigarettes and coffee, yoga and meditation, we’ll find out how much i’m in need

she made a run for it yes, bae go go go, i’ll sit here and watch her exhert herself physically mentally

honestly i don’t know who i’m rooting for anymore this shit is crazy maybe i’m the lazy one, the hazy one, this level of brutality

i tell myself it’s what i’m used to, if she was with me, she’d deal with it, she can’t have me

that’s why these walls are up, it’s for our insanity

i’m going crazy sending these codes

but she’s breaking through all the nodes

tombs, secret passageways, i don’t care what i have to do i’m running scared now

i’m the chicken i’m the bird i’m the one who can’t handle the brow

i’m sweating i’m bleeding i’m screaming i can’t see straight

i can’t even walk mate

lift me up

she grabs me and tosses me over her shoulders it’s over now baby don’t you see you should have just come with me, trusted in me, yup yup

everything is easy now that we’ve got each other

i should have known i can’t escape my older brother

time is tantalizingly trippy tick tock

don’t stop i’m holding on now to your lovely lock.

your key it fits right  into my heart

“you don’t say” she says

i blush deeply and a beat skips and i pull her close and say let’s make a big  mess

 

darling.